An Eighth Shot of Espresso: Coffee and Creativity on Mum's Third Shift

awash in  numbness  I see life  through a  fuzzy lens  push through  fatigue  and a sense  of helplessness  that threatens  to overwhelm  my mind swim in molasses I need to plan every move to conserve energy to think and decide what what is more important but at the  end of the day I have nothing left.

The world  murky and clear  and the same time  undersea  ghosts  of the drowned  their souls float in the black morass unable to surface but if you dive deeper  the dark becomes light  and the denizens  are like nothing  you have seen before

The fury of the storm left nothing untouched  walk in the garden  to see subtle signs  leaves scattered petals broken and bent branches of wood float in the pond torn from trees and suddenly orphaned the storm-bent daffodils as they bowed  to the wind's power  but they are not broken they subtly resisted and live to see the sunshine again.

a paracosmic world  that exists in one's   imagination  ships on the high seas  their flags raised high the sound of battle  the whistle of  cannonballs a romanticized tale of high stakes and golden plunder pirates in port  as the rum flows  and there is adventure  and treasure to be had.

incensed  but I need  to channel it  into my creativity  these complicated emotions and annoying feelings and not let them fester into anger and sadness and resentment that will poison the rest of my days I need to let it out  without hurting  the ones who mean  the most to me.

treat yourself  once in a while  it does not have  to be extravagant a long bath a simple dessert a quiet moment outside to savor the sun on your face peace and quiet before dealing with the complications of real life again  give yourself hope  and a goal  to work towards  but do not  deny yourself  the pleasure  of a job well done

Life is like  one steep incline  a herculean task to climb inch by inch meter by meter  all the way to the top  your feet lose purchase  sweat dots your brow  you gain ground  only to slide down  and you fight to gain  whatever distance you can But in the end  will you reach your goal or will the weight of existence crush the spark of your spirit?

cake for breakfast  when you are  all grown up chocolate ganache or strawberry angel food  with a cup of coffee flour, eggs, milk and all sorts of fruit what makes it  different from toast with jam or a pancake topped with blueberries? no one  can tell you  that it is wrong  to eat your dessert  before your meal

Jumbled up letters  I sort them  to spell out  all kinds  of words to reflect  how I feel  inside  sometimes I see an idea and dash off my response no frills just raw intuition other times I think on form and structure like some  sort of scaffold for building an airtight alibi some of these are only  approximations and are not  as precise  as they could be  but that's okay.

Chocolate doesn't argue  don't hurt  it brings comfort  caffeine and  serotonin  it comes in different flavors for different tastes milk, dark, white, carob sugar free fruit and cheese solid and melted cold and hot molded in pleasing shapes or eaten in rough chunks this is why  I always have  some on hand  during the bad days.

In the middle  of a rainstorm  the earth  trembles  as the thunder  crashes in  the heavens  and the rain rattles the leaves of the forest canopy from the  cowering birds to the  shivering tulips  they all wait  for the storm  to pass.

Many times  blistered by harsh  criticism  the words raise  invisible welts  of shame  on my skin  and in my mind even all these years later a soul parched in the heat of indignation  and the scars  remain

As you read  my poetry taste my phrasing: is it sweet  like honey or sour like an overripe lemon? spiky like an  uncomfortable truth hard to swallow? abrasive  like sandpaper  or rich  like caramel  dipped in chocolate? Will you savor every morsel or just gulp it down?

As much as  a billionaire wishes,  nobody controls the stars they have been there long before  he was born they will shine long after he is gone the sheer wonder of their glory cannot be quantified in profit for the heavens  and the cosmos at this time are untamed  by Man

A strong arm  to support  the weight  of an entire  family  is not one  to be  underestimated  Mama can  pack a punch  if her kin  is threatened and she does not hesitate  but she can  hold you up  if you need  the boost.

The thunderous beats of a drum  drives the dance the music courses through every pore of your body let the fires  of passion  fuel your limbs  and give form  to your movement  Don't let rigid rules  stand in your way free your mind from its shackles of convention  feel the rhythm  and match it.

Tomorrow  I will try  to take  better care  of myself  it means  no caffeine  cut back  on sugar  and exercise  right.  Get enough sleep try not to be too stressed out. Of course  I have made  this kind  of resolution  before.

The ring on my finger  does not  have a diamond  it is one that  I have picked for myself  not given to me that shows  my commitment  to my own  well being.

Don't try  to fill  idle time with activity:  your body  is telling you  to relax  take a break  just breathe  savor the moment don't rush let your mind stop its race to get everything done for just  one minute  before the chaos  of life  begins again

She had  everything planned  just so:  where her  daughter  would go to college  whom she  would marry  what career  she would take  an hour  to and from  and live at home  a doctor  or a lawyer  or be a doctor  herself  how lovely!  But her supposed  future was derailed:  by her own daughter