An Eighth Shot of Espresso: Coffee and Creativity on Mum's Third Shift

The comfort of a routine  fills them  with a sense  of security  Know what  comes next  no surprises  no anxiety  no strange deviation familiar sights and sounds the same faces always seen done so many times before a straight  and narrow  path

Pendulum swings from one side to the other in a blink of an eye happy on one side inconsolable on the other bright and sunshine on the right minute and hour dark and storm clouds on the wrong day and month each moment is a roll of the dice each second is one grain in the hourglass it veers from one to the next unpredictable like the wind and the chaos follows in its wake with all the confusion and the bewilderment. Where will it go now? For how long and how wide no one can every prepare for it.

Mood swings like a pendulum The highest highs the lowest lows goes from one to the other in a fraction of a second wondering what face and what tone will the day bring when the sun rises until the moon sets always on high alert trying to mitigate damage this is no way to live with every noise making you jump and your empathy burnt out.

No one said it would be easy They didn't warn me of the challenges or the triumphs The tears shed every night the smiles made every day Championing their cause in spite of opposition and paperwork and red tape. It's still a long road ahead but looking back I would be lying if I said I enjoyed every minute of it But it's not a lie when I say I am proud of who they become.

Twenty two years ago was not expected but quite long awaited Never a doubt he stole my heart the first time I laid eyes on his tiny form. It's been a long road full of pitfalls and heartache but full of love and pride to see him carve his own way despite all the roadblocks life has thrown at him. He's a fighter. Quiet and reserved among those he doesn't know. Although he doesn't speak his smiles say plenty and he's expressive in his own way. Happy birthday, Son. Mum loves you.

Mom called and asked again if I went to church today I told her I'm spending time with the kids and yet again I told her that they would not sit still for Mass because of their issues. Selective hearing all she heard was "No." and demanded to know why and she said not all churches treat my kids like outcasts. I should know that. I should know better. I didn't tell her that if she was worried about my immortal soul and going to heaven she should take care of her own. Instead I wished her a Happy Easter smiling through my tears and just returned to what really matters my family and making my kids happy no matter what others say.

Sometimes being blunt still cuts like a knife. "I'm being honest. I know you wouldn't want me to lie." That is quite true but how you phrase it can affect how your 'truth' is taken. You have no idea They said that you 'cannot read the room'. That you cannot put yourself in another's shoes. It is either right or wrong black or white and there is no such thing as levels of grey. It hurts to be on the receiving end of your 'honest truth'. You pride yourself on being direct, to the point but you never see the tears as you tear me apart analyze everything I've done 'wrong'.

Deep dive into facts Share them with anyone who is around to listen. They marvel at how smart you are. They wonder if you have any friends. See all angles of a problem talk about this solution or that solution They see how tactical you are. They wonder if you think of anything else. "Do I talk too much? Am I too much? I shouldn't overshare." They tell you you're fine. They wonder if you'll ever catch a clue.

It's been nineteen years Since your smile graced the world. Every day I watch you give me that same smile your eyes light up with the innocence of life. And I want to protect you from it's hardships and cruelty. I worry about your future but I take every day one step at a time You're here for a purpose even if you are blissfully unaware of whatever it is. You curl up with your new pillow and plushies and hum your favorite tunes and all is right with the world.

There is comfort in routine. To know what will come before, during, after. No stress in planning everything happens in the same time, place and manner. If life always went that way it would be easy to become complacent. But life never runs quite so smoothly. Emergencies happen the unexpected too. How do you react? Paralyzed with indecision? Face the challenge head on? Your routine is broken.

Quiet days perpetual coffee in warm mugs just me and my boy he keeps his spirits up even while he has a cough and the yucks but his smile always brightens my day. Not your typical young adult he sees the world with fresh eyes and is able to get around an electronic landscape he loves to draw and write his thoughts even when he has trouble putting them together. A toddler in an adult's body and days can be challenging but he has a good heart and he quietly keeps being himself.

A little too good at their job Too comfortable too set in routine knowing what comes ahead reassures all their fears. Upheaval reorganization shifting priorities different ways to do things it needs to evolve, improve. Suddenly new rules other guidelines nothing is the same. The sense of dread of insecurity. At a loss fumbling in the dark confusion, anger, uncertainty. Mistakes made new orders misunderstood. Until a new routine finally solidifies around them. Over and over again The sense of coming home but hard fought, long awaited. But how long will it last? When will it change again? No longer secure no longer complacent The world is a scary place.