An Eighth Shot of Espresso: Coffee and Creativity on Mum's Third Shift

Reach out  to show you care  from the bottom  of your heart  when someone is hurting you can be their lifeline just remember  that sometimes  it feels nice  to have others  do the same for you in turn  don't burn yourself  to warm up others  with your own fire

awash in  numbness  I see life  through a  fuzzy lens  push through  fatigue  and a sense  of helplessness  that threatens  to overwhelm  my mind swim in molasses I need to plan every move to conserve energy to think and decide what what is more important but at the  end of the day I have nothing left.

incensed  but I need  to channel it  into my creativity  these complicated emotions and annoying feelings and not let them fester into anger and sadness and resentment that will poison the rest of my days I need to let it out  without hurting  the ones who mean  the most to me.

treat yourself  once in a while  it does not have  to be extravagant a long bath a simple dessert a quiet moment outside to savor the sun on your face peace and quiet before dealing with the complications of real life again  give yourself hope  and a goal  to work towards  but do not  deny yourself  the pleasure  of a job well done

My soul is weary the weight of a lifetime betrayed by my body spirit burdened by failure fingers on the keyboard even stiff as they are serve as my salvation. I look in the mirror and see an old woman her eyes shiny with tears held back her smile trembles at the edges so no one will see. The point of my pen breaks against the paper I've pushed too hard lived too long loved too much Even the strongest of souls has their flimsiest of limits.

A response to a Bluesky writing prompt. The word is "mercurial". This is the longer version . mercurial  temper  always walked on eggshells  don't know what  will set it off  I tried to avoid her whenever I could but she came to me whenever I did anything wrong. Did not get straight A's or I wasn't like her coworker's daughter. I once described  her anger is like a volcano she laughed it off but it an uncomfortable truth was it my fault  just for existing? no it was not  just because she made a mistake  did not justify  her treatment  but it took me years to learn that.

You realize you are worth more than you give yourself credit. Write that story Play that music Dance that salsa Love that movie. If you feel that no one appreciates anything you do there is at least one. I hold your hand bolster your flagging spirit so cry on my shoulder find the strength to carry on.

Is it wrong to believe you deserve more than you have? To dream of happiness on your own terms and not by anyone else's? Teach the ones  who hurt you a lesson they will never forget? Protect the sanity that still exists in your mind so you never get hurt ever again?

One day she just snaps. She just leaves it all behind. No matter how comfortable a cage is still a cage It doesn't change when they say it will get better then it never does Or when they say that they will help but they never come. The most thankless the most taken-for-granted the most noble profession And when she is already gone people realize how much she did for them but not until then and not until it happens. By then the point is moot they blame everyone else but not themselves too late to help her. It's her fault she wasn't strong enough to keep smiling even when her heart exploded. 

The skies become dark not all at once but gradually so slowly that no one else sees the encroaching blackness except the one directly under ground zero The Goddess of the Storm raises her hands and smiles as the wind picks up its pace a slow gentle wind up to a brisk breeze then on to a fiery gale finally to a hurricane. Lightning the only torch Thunder becomes a roaring heat beat no one claims to see it coming nature, once soft and loving turns around and bites their faces the quiet rage hasn't lessened it had grown too strong. 

That sinking realization when you understand that they don't need you anymore They're outgrown you they can survive without you When it is so gradual that it sneaks up on you but the inevitable gut punch is that while you become aware they still act the same but their actions confirm it every hour or every day.

The road to chaos is not smooth, of course it is bumpy unpaved and fraught with monsters. Days of detours bridges closed snowstorms cave ins sinkholes You can only carry only so many spare tires or jump so many batteries before your car decides to give up the ghost. Run down motels in the questionable part or town cheap food at the local greasy spoon barely enough to live on. Moods from the high highs to the low lows. A pendulum that swings without warning or concern. Happy laughter to frustrated screams that turn on a dime. You wonder how others manage the trip with smooth sailing when your own journey is fraught with anger and frustration.

I. Each day I wake up the rain batters the windows while the summer sun peeks out from behind the clouds waiting for the storm to pass. II. The shower runs cold I know it will not get warm bites with icy teeth On one hand I do get clean but the chill sinks deep within. III. I know I should eat though I don't feel like I could. So I compromise: last night's pizza with a mug of my bitter black coffee. IV. My mind in a fog what day of the week is it? How much have I lost in this deep dark mire I'm in? and thunder still booms outside. V, My steps feel heavy one foot and then the other Go through the motions no one ever notices no one ever sees my pain. VI. How long can I live in perpetual darkness wading through blackness when my soul still yearns for light that seems so very very far?

Every puzzle losing vital pieces after all these years. The main picture having gaps here and there What is that? A face that is familiar but the name eludes me. Grasping at straws knowing that once upon a time that image was whole. It's important how can I forget something that means so much to me? Frustration and sadness. Holes in memory and life experiences irreplaceable.

Silent screams as daggers of ice plunge into her body paralyze her vocal chords into submission until no one realizes she is dying inside. A fog of forgetfulness rolls into her mind clouding every part of her brain into silence until no one realizes she is no longer herself.

I. I am overwhelmed by my body's odd workings and I wonder why it won't just work normally just like everyone else's? II. Doctors appointments so many medications infusions and tests and what is the problem here or is it all in your mind? III . Even with results a medical mystery misdiagnosis this isn't what I was taught so it just might not exist. IV. Brain fog everyday combat fatigue with coffee pray for five o'clock even then the job's not done the second shift just begins. V. Waiting for results every day a brand new war that you wage alone in a house of five people "I'm sorry, well, anyway."

You never know what will resonate with the crowd. A five minute sketch or witty little ditty just a minor thought. Suddenly it's there being talked of, being shared and you are surprised. A portrait, a carefully crafted piece taking hours, days to complete garners no interest at all. Do you pander to the wave of what will get you seen what is the rage of the moment? What matters more, the numbers, the accolades or what your heart tells you? Do you go one way or the other or do you strike a balance between the popular and the sublime? If the mood is cynical and bitter do you change to match it? Or do you seek joy in the little things? The moment you decide to live for yourself they may forget who you are. Is that worth the pain or is the quiet too much for a restless soul?

I. The years pass on by Put away my childhood dreams marble effigies embox them in vaults of stone and never resurrected. II. "You must study hard graduate, get a good job help the family then think about what you want. That is your duty in life." III. Obedient child strong in intelligence but lacking in wisdom: trade one cage for another from daughter to mother, wife. IV. Lifelong devotion and I will always be there always smiling and never complaining of the insults and the disrespect. V. Then one day it breaks not in the heat of anger but cold clarity "I am better than this and I deserve so much more too!" VI. My soul awakens: there is a wide world out there one for exploring I pack my bags and just go and leave the dead weight behind.

Narrow beneath my feet Can't go back, can only go forward eyes straight ahead. Only focused on survival one false step to plunge into the abyss far far below Too far on one side the whining and clamoring voices demanding a little piece of your sanity one little piece at a time You learn to give only part of your attention. If you give all of it they demand more and more until you have nothing left. Only by negotiating the chasm by guarding your self-worth. Shield your mind and remember the goal it's a dangerous road to keep your mental balance.

Cleaning up after you is like tidying up after a frat party to that I wasn't invited. When I ask for help you make a big deal out of it "notice me senpai" "what do you want, a medal?" All messes are automatically mine all complications are mine to blame because I take care of everything from your house to your kids. I can give you my opinion but unless it comes from someone else you don't hear it. I know why you keep me around: to do all the shit you don't want or can't do. And the only time you ever notice is when things don't get done: "why isn't she here?"