An Eighth Shot of Espresso: Coffee and Creativity on Mum's Third Shift

Wisdom in the depths of  a coffee cup awareness unlocked by a jolt of caffeine. Intelligence in the words of a thick tome knowledge unlocked by the sages of old. Empathy in the hugs of a care worker feelings unlocked by the suffering of others. Cruelty in the lack of wisdom, intelligence and empathy apathy unlocked by the stunting of oneself.

Oroboros snake eating its tail consuming itself What came first the chicken or the egg question rages through the ages The old becomes new and the new fades away again it is only sleeping Events conspire to make the same mistakes when everyone forgets The universe does not travel in a straight line all thinking is circular.

Storm rolls in the sun fights to break through the clouds Will it, won't it? Slowly but surely the grey blots out the sky. Wind stirs the flowers softly at first but the stems bend and shiver even more Will it, won't it? Like a careful hand  it just moves with the breeze. Thunder speaks softly almost like a caressing rumble hesitant to shout Will it, won't it? It raises its voice to announce the rattle of rain.

It's July but is it wrong to wish for snow? One hundred degrees is too warm for my comforting hoodie. Red flowers in green bushes but my herbs have withered in this punishing heat. A breeze is supposed to cool the brow but it only feels stifling. The humidity enough to make a fish reconsider drinking the air. This heat has to break even as the weather prediction says 'rain in 4 hours'.

After the rain the sun shines brilliantly from my window that faces west the shadow of the house a looming patch of dark a border between the morning sun in the south and the building. I can see the tomato plants from my neighbor my own plants are dead because it is too hot and life got too busy to water them. I have neglected to take care of my own spiritual garden But I see through the blinds that it must be attended to under the canopy of trees by the fence. 

If I had a superpower-- I would double no triple! myself. Get things done be everywhere at once Pay attention to everyone who needs it. Not feel guilty for just having so few hours in the day so many demands on my time Don't give me  the ability to fly the power to read minds or turn myself invisible I just desperately want some help in this chaotic existence that is my life.

Let the wave wash over you do not be uprooted from what you believe and whom you trust As day turns into night the owl maintains its vigil the raven brings its dark news the nightingale sings its song But the sun will rise again the bees flit by flowers the sheep graze in the meadow the eagle stands sentinel No flood will destroy you No wind will strew you to pieces The fire will cleanse you make you stronger and whole

I can count the hours of rest on the fingers of both hands  and still have some left over. An underlying fog in the back of my mind never fully evaporates no matter how much I sleep Letters in my own handwriting colored paper remind me of what to do, where to go how to react. No, my memory is still good I just need a year or three's worth of mojitos at the beach side. 

The well run dry water is blocked need a new source I dig through the mud jagged rock heavy wet sand slowly becoming bone dry the farther I go deeper and deeper layers of psyche too much sludge but there's no turning back the only sound the pick axe ringing stone crumbling earth gives way don't know if it's day  or night as the earth consumes and smothers wraps tighter in darkness the sound of the rush is the only warning as it pushes me back erupting into the light a new spring of life floods the caverns of exploration to send my thoughts into orbit

The sense that all has changed and yet... The more the silence speaks the more I sit and listen. The precious sand in the hourglass still continue to fall. More aware of every grain that blossoms into a thorn-covered rose. Details obscured have now become clear the chaff just burns away Spirit distilled into a potent brew no longer weak But what cost did I have to pay for this new insight?

A new normal it feels surreal when I take up the pen or my fingers hover over the keyboard it feels different not awful, but the air around me holds its breath almost in anticipation or in judgment and I hesitate for a brief moment then proceed to put down my thoughts it feels different in a way that I cannot describe. The words just sit there perhaps it they just need time to mature and marinate before it goes into full bloom.

Weaving hope through my fingers and hoping it will be enough to shield through the storm. Facing the unknown with my head held high though every reflex tells me to duck. What will the future bring now that things have been irrevocably changed? It won't be like before but nothing ever stays the same This time I know  I won't be so alone we will face it together.

Look in the mirror see what time does to you do you like what you see? Some consider every line, every wrinkle a badge of honor. The marks of a life well lived the grey hair earned in the trenches of life. Others see it as a tragedy youth and beauty taken away leave a withered husk behind. Lost loves, lost dreams the stare that echoes in a haggard reflection. Which one shall it be? The judge that ever lingers as the years pass on by.

Last night as I was driving home I saw: A family out for a walk. The girls were on bikes. Something simple a normal summer's outing as the temperature cooled. And I thought to myself: I wish I had that. Instead I have two perpetual screaming toddlers and a sullen rebel And I wish  for some sort of normalcy.

I remember when this place opened you couldn't walk through the crowds so many people all was shiny and new clothing stores furniture outlets hair stylists all you ever wanted conveniently in one place right off the interstate. My kids ran happily around the play place Twenty years later we walked around on a quiet Saturday morning too quiet so many stores now black walls even the chocolate shop has vanished to the ether. a handful of choices in the food court hardly any major powerhouses but a slew of local businesses making their own cozy niches for their own customers in smaller doses. Lots of nostalgia for what was mixed sorrow for what is cautious hopes for what could be.

The night speaks: why is there so much fear when the sun goes down and the stars come out like a curtain of diamonds. Is it the unknown sight unseen over the horizon nothing is quite clear a handicap not shared with other animals? The punishment of demons ghosts roam the earth restless spirits are they real or a figment of imagination? Light is the hallmark of goodness of justice and righteousness But the Dark can make you just as humble-- you just won't see it coming.

Dreams no longer come when I close my eyes I do not remember other worlds, other times my brain is too tired to both with frivolous thoughts. The night passes all to swiftly And my bones are as heavy as they were the night before. Sleep has become just another necessary item to be checked off my to do list. 

Change on a whim you look taller assertive commanding confident Shoulders back spine straight eyes intense gestures precise The public persona that impenetrable shield that inspires others  to take up the mantle and improve the world Power invested in a single piece of clothing all it takes is a simple switch and a new person appears.

Half a chocolate chip cookie and a tall bottle of water ninety five degrees outside the first week of July Sitting down for the first time since this morning As adrenaline wears off and caffeine burns through my brain a curtain of tired just sinks through the cracks of my brain. Not interested in my to do list for at least a few more minutes Just need to breathe in a patch of air that  isn't trying to drown me. Need a stretch of quiet not the chatter of computers or the constant snatch of melody played over and over and over as Son self-soothes with repeated familiarity.  But a for these precious few moments I can collect myself and eat the other half of this delicious chocolate chip cookie. 

dragging one word out one at a time the rhythm refuses to stay to a tempo the pen hesitates ink blotches the paper when a rock blocks the flow of a river time and persistence wears it away unless a stick of dynamite shatters it to pieces. subtle or drastic over time or instant wait for inspiration to come or just keep on going and hope that an idea sparks into a raging flame.

Bone deep exhaustion fingers don't work but somehow manage to move anyway Held at arm's length a window looking out kind souls keep their distance thoughts and prayers are supposed to be enough tasting bitterness and humility at the same time they say adversity only stokes the flames even hotter Awaken to reality realization slips through the sun rises and sets each day is born and dies only you can stand firm.

Hazy days of summer a slight fog in the air in bright broad daylight with moisture sticking to your skin your clothes cling to every limb If you were a mermaid you could drink the very air around you. but even fishes need oxygen to breathe. Idyllic memories of floating on the river cold ice cream melted days spent with friends outside of school but now that I am older I wish for shade and air conditioning.